Rules of Thumb

From Jeff Kay’s The West Virginia Surf Report

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-A person who wears a fanny pack loves science fiction, and vice versa.
-A person who wears a belt with shorts is probably religious.
-If a person says he enjoys the opera, that person is a liar.
-If the outside of the CD has the word “Zappa” on it, you’re going to be disappointed by the music inside.
-If the video box shows a beautiful woman pointing a gun, the movie is shit.
-If the flyer shows the band standing on the railroad tracks, the band is shit.
-If a guy has cords on his sunglasses, he’s a dick.  If the sunglasses are mirrored, he’s probably dangerous.
-All golfers like women.
-If she smokes, she fucks.
-There’s nothing uglier than a thirteen year old boy.
-If a person says, “Go look in the sink” - don’t.
-The day a person goes to the store to buy a book of word-search puzzles marks the beginning of the long, slow decline to death.
-Women with homemade tattoos on their hands don’t know shit about Graham Greene.
-You should always steer clear of Martin Luther King Jr. Drive, regardless of the city you are in.
-Ugly travels in packs.
-A drunk fat woman is louder than The Who.
-If you make fun of Kevin Bacon too much, your nose will stay that way.
-People who are good at math make bad zines.
-No black person has ever used the term “Bumfuck, Egypt.”
-If the letters PhD appear after a person’s name, that person will remain outdoors even after it’s started raining.
-Celebrity overdoses are all the more tragic because the person was always right on the verge of getting their life turned around.
-Nobody cares about the weird dream you had last night.
-You CAN judge a book by its cover.
-If a man says he has a large penis, he has a small penis.  If a man says he has a small penis, he has a small penis.
-If the term “lift-kit” is in your vocabulary, you’ve never kept a journal.
-If you open a shit cafe in a trendy neighborhood, people will line up with money in their hands begging to eat shit.
-Anything above 87 octane is specially formulated for suckers. 
-A disabled person is courageous.  There is no such thing as a crippled coward.
-People who say, “Whoa, I’m not even going to touch that one!!” can’t think of anything clever to say.
-One of the main requirements for being a basketball coach is the ability to act like you just can’t fucking believe it.

I think that pretty much covers it, but if you know of something else that is true, please post it to our Surf Report forum (The West Virginia Surf Report at  Do it for the children, won’t you?

All contents © 2006 by Gene Mahoney